Holy Fool
As you might imagine, the last two months have been for me a time of great self-reflection. All kinds of conflicting thoughts and emotions have flowed through me. I have been in turns angry and afraid; self-righteous, feeling unfairly victimized, and embarrassed at how my own behavior led to these unwanted and dismal consequences; brave and accepting, on the one hand, and horrified and disbelieving on the other. Many times I have felt downright foolish to have fallen into this state of things, especially at this time in my life. What happened to my self-control?, I've asked myself.
Well, in this as in all things, those who share about themselves with me are also my teachers, and we are mutually lifted up in grace and love.
So it was when the following was shared with me. It is a quote from Theodore I. Rubin, MD-- a physician and a writer-- taken from "O" magazine, pg 81, the October 2007 issue:
"I must learn to love the fool in me-- the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
Ah, I think as I read this, I truly have been foolish in many of the decisions in my life, not just those which have led rather precipitously to this moment. And yes, while I am embarrassed by my foolishness now, at the time, when I knew in some ways that I was being foolish, AND was enjoying being so-- I felt more alive, and more balanced, and for real moments FREED from the sometimes stultifying expectations that others can have of ministers. (In Rubin's words, others really DO expect ministers to be "masterful tyrants"-- of themselves and other people. This expectation robs many who would be sensitive to the sacred to be more focused on law rather then grace, and on rectitude rather than freedom. [Paul in Galatians: "For freedom Christ has set us free....])
So, OK: How DO I learn to love this "fool" in me? I recognize that my fool has gotten me into trouble-- but my fool also exults in life and living in ways that my "masterful tyrant" would only keep buttoned down!
I am working at this these days, plumbing my depths, peering into my darkness as well as my light, looking for God... I am comforted to remember places in the Gospel where the holiness of foolishness is lifted up... not only by Paul, of all people(!), for one... but also in the whole theme of the kerygma. Take John 3:16: "For God so loved the world that he gave His only Son..." How foolish was THAT? HA! Yet how else do we learn that God is not the "masterful tyrant" we fear God to be, but the merciful and generous Giver of Grace that we come to believe God to be?
As I endure through the gauntlet of reminders of how foolish I have been, I am companioned by the One who was foolish enough to love me as I am, now, and in the first place, and forever. I need no other comfort than that...
Except! I continue to rejoice in the comfort given me by others who are also foolish enough to love me! Let us be holy fools together!
Well, in this as in all things, those who share about themselves with me are also my teachers, and we are mutually lifted up in grace and love.
So it was when the following was shared with me. It is a quote from Theodore I. Rubin, MD-- a physician and a writer-- taken from "O" magazine, pg 81, the October 2007 issue:
"I must learn to love the fool in me-- the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
Ah, I think as I read this, I truly have been foolish in many of the decisions in my life, not just those which have led rather precipitously to this moment. And yes, while I am embarrassed by my foolishness now, at the time, when I knew in some ways that I was being foolish, AND was enjoying being so-- I felt more alive, and more balanced, and for real moments FREED from the sometimes stultifying expectations that others can have of ministers. (In Rubin's words, others really DO expect ministers to be "masterful tyrants"-- of themselves and other people. This expectation robs many who would be sensitive to the sacred to be more focused on law rather then grace, and on rectitude rather than freedom. [Paul in Galatians: "For freedom Christ has set us free....])
So, OK: How DO I learn to love this "fool" in me? I recognize that my fool has gotten me into trouble-- but my fool also exults in life and living in ways that my "masterful tyrant" would only keep buttoned down!
I am working at this these days, plumbing my depths, peering into my darkness as well as my light, looking for God... I am comforted to remember places in the Gospel where the holiness of foolishness is lifted up... not only by Paul, of all people(!), for one... but also in the whole theme of the kerygma. Take John 3:16: "For God so loved the world that he gave His only Son..." How foolish was THAT? HA! Yet how else do we learn that God is not the "masterful tyrant" we fear God to be, but the merciful and generous Giver of Grace that we come to believe God to be?
As I endure through the gauntlet of reminders of how foolish I have been, I am companioned by the One who was foolish enough to love me as I am, now, and in the first place, and forever. I need no other comfort than that...
Except! I continue to rejoice in the comfort given me by others who are also foolish enough to love me! Let us be holy fools together!
posted by TRXTR | 4:21 PM
1 Comments:
Just read your blog and really enjoyed everything you shared. My admiration of you just grew. Thanks for all your input and I know with God's grace you will overcome and rise above anything that was done to you. I'm so very sorry that you had to go through this and from someone that you thought was a friend. I look forward to future sharings. I've been a fool myself in many ways and probably still will be. So be it. God bless you.
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