Scattered Thoughts

I'm back from the East Coast and my mother's memorial services. On the up side, it was great being with a good portion of my family, and seeing people I had not seen in decades. Funny, isn't it, how funerals and the losses that prompt them bring us together when other occasions don't? We would comment on that grimly, acknowledging that maybe we'd not see each other again until someone else among us dies...

I'm learning about this grief/mourning phenomenon slowly. My energy/focus/concentration is just not what I knew it to be in the former "normal." By the same token, it is difficult for me to say just what it is I feel. I feel... stunned... numb... slowed... I don't know: something that escapes words. One thing is clear: Although no one has said this to me yet, it is common to hear someone say something like, "I lost my mother, too. I know just how you feel..." Well, I'm thinking, good for them! Because I don't know just how I feel! So I'm glad that they do...

While my feelings are a bit scattered and vague, I have been collecting a few thoughts in the course of my travels. Here's some of what I've gathered at the moment:

From the Vineyard: I learned of my mother's death on my way back from being in Napa for a few days. Much of what I'd thought about while I was there has flown from my mind, but I can remember a coupla things:

First, when it comes to growing grapes that make for good wine, stress is imperative. One farmer said something to the effect of, "the greater the stress, the better the wine." Evidently, there's something about getting too little water or too much heat that makes for better grapes.

I took some comfort from the thought: Maybe what I'm going through is God's way of making me a better "grape!"

Second, it matters where the vine is planted. A great deal is made about the kind of soil the vine grows in. Napa has lots of different kinds of soils, and each of them has its own influence on the quality and taste of the wine. (Evidently. I mean, I'm not sure I could tell the difference. I just know what I like, and what I don't...)

But here's my thought: Being rooted and grounded in God has definitely helped me adapt to and survive this time...

Finally, at one vineyard the farmer taught us about "grafting," and how a grape grows differently depending less on location than on the nature of the vine to which the branch is grafted.

It reminded me of what Jesus said in John's gospel: "I am the vine. You are the branches." Not only am I blessed to be rooted and grounded in God, but also to be "grafted" to the vine of Christ. These thoughts give me great comfort...

Thoughts from my trip back East: First, "family" is its own marvelous phenomenon, isn't it? There we were, gathered round a banquet table on what would have been my mother's 86th birthday, and the sheer variety of us was astounding to me. We were like light through a prism: common source, resemblance, yet difference and variety. A sight to see.

The next day, during my mother's services, each of us her children had our chance to say what she or the moment meant to us. My sister, my brother, and I all said something very different! Each of us was true to ourselves, and to my mother. But each of us had something very different to say. One light, through a prism.

Second, it was wonderful to see how my family responded to my granddaughter! Whenever she needed holding, whenever she fussed and needed comforting or distracting or both, there were plenty of eager arms willing to receive her. If she represented "the circle of life" to us, we were ready to embrace her and the Life of our family continuing to flow through her.

Finally, being there and being home again, I cannot help but be grateful for the outpouring of love and support my father, other family members, and I have received. I often feel like we live in a time when community is more "virtual" or even absent entirely than it is actual and felt. But at this time in my family's life, we are, each and all, feeling the gracious and sincere comfort and support of many, many people. It means more than any of us can say!

But let me say this: Thank you! I am grateful for your love and support.