Non-Attachment

One of the truths of this time in my life is that I am learning more about grief--and living-- than perhaps I ever have before! I have often said that "we shape our lives by what we hold onto and what we let go of," and if nothing else, I am being faced with a number of challenges along these lines! What do I hold onto? What do I let go of?

I am guided by yet another of my favorite maxims about loss: "The world as you knew it is gone. The new world, post-loss, takes some adjusting to!" Or, to paraphrase the Bible: "The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come." Holding onto and letting go of, in this context, has to do with "continuity:" how much of the old gets to come into the new, after all?

I've begun to realize that, while I might not get to decide much of this, I can at least decide how I feel about it. For instance, The One who has made herself my enemy, has now raised the question: Do I want to hold onto my status as a minister? I can tell you that at one time in my life, I would have given this an unquestioning, "Of course!" Not so now. First, I have deeper conviction that having been called by God is one of my living truths. Second, my ordination, and any actions by the church, only confirm this in their estimation. It doesn't remove or effect the truth of my experience of God. That remains mine to hold onto.

This realization is one of many that go toward my grieving my losses of what I'd thought was valuable. And these things were valuable-- in my past! Valuing them, indeed valuing them as I did, in this present life, only gives The One who has made herself my enemy more opportunities to hurt me.

Hurting us is how our enemies hold onto us. Pain is their only hold on us, really. The One who has made herself my enemy, used to be my friend. As my friend, mutual affection was our bond; in my sense of myself as a Christian, Christian love or apape held us together. But since she is an atheist, I have to believe she knows very little about agape, that she misconstrues affection, and that she now seeks to continue to pursue our relationship in the worst way, namely by believing she is causing me pain. Perhaps she would rather be remembered by the destruction she causes, than by the affection we shared as friends. I don't know.

But I know this: If I remain emotionally invested in the aspects of my life that The One who has made herself my enemy has targeted, she will succeed. She will cause me pain. She will continue her perverse and destructive attachment to me.

So I have decided to let them go. Whatever she values, I will de-value: I will withdraw my attachment to that aspect of my life. I will treat it as part of my past that need not come forward into my present. I will regard it as dead, as dead as my old life.

This non-attachment is not as difficult as it sounds! Indeed, what I've come to realize is that The One who has made herself my enemy is teaching me some valuable lessons about what really matters! And what I am finding out is just how much I was invested in external matters. And what remains, what neither she nor anyone else can damage or diminish, are the internal, truly spiritual matters-- about which I don't think my former friend knows very much. In other words, I'm learning something about "laying up treasures in Heaven..." It is a very valuable life-lesson indeed-- and one I might not have learned any other way.

...

Of course, if I am learning lessons of "non-attachment," I am also learning lessons of attachment. By this I mean, I guess you could say that I'm learning who my friends are!

One of my friends sent me a series of sayings once attributed to Mother Theresa, but actually penned by a 19 y/o! What a compliment to him, that this would be attributed to her!

Anyway, here are three nuggets:

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway!

What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight. Build anyway!

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God. It was never between you and them, anyway.

Ah, yes, and so it is. So I was successful-- and made a true enemy-- at least one! And I built, but overnight things changed. So what? You see, it was all about my relationship with God--anyway!

But in that good sense, it was also about friendships-- true bonds of affection and support. And while I've learned something about a "false friend," I've benefited a good deal more from true friends. I have "so much more" to be grateful about, than either sad or ashamed about.

It is all good...

...

And tomorrow, I leave for my mother's memorial service. The family is gathering-- and to my pleasant surprise, the contingent of Californians will be larger than any other of the immediate family! How nice...

The outpouring of affection for my mother has truly touched and comforted my father. From the church they joined in 1959, and at which they were members until just a few years ago, the report is: over a hundred people are planning on coming. Three generations knew my mother-- and quite evidently, loved her very much. My Dad is positively moved by this and other outpourings of affection.

I have to say, I am, too. My mother was nearly 86 when she died. One might have thought that she'd have outlived many who knew her, most who cared. Evidently, she did not! I am pleased to know who my mother was... And who my friends are!

And I am pleased to embrace and be embraced by all, as family, in the best sense. I thank God for you, and for the attachments we share. Our affection for each other is what truly matters. We can hold onto each other-- and everything else can be let go of.