Appreciating Madness
I know-- from the title you may think that all of the stress of this being "in between" and the seeming "time on my hands" of it has finally driven me crazy!
Well, you who know me well, know that it wouldn't take much!
What I have had recently is a couple of long drives in which to evaluate some of my decisions that may or may not have led to my recent "troubles," as they say. Truth is, I've found another perspective, in my working these things through, that has at its core an appreciation of myself-- even if that means appreciating my madness...
I am not, nor will I ever be, a "wild and crazy guy," a la the early Steve Martin. But I read a review of On the Road, Jack Kerouac's classic, now being re-presented to us on the occasion of the 50th anniversary of its publication. And the review reminded me of what that book meant to me when I first read it.
The reviewer asks rhetorically, "does anybody over 21 read it anymore?," and the fact is, I was well over 21 when I first caught up with it, flagged it down and took it with me like a hitchhiker to one of what used be nearly semi-annual retreats (a spiritual practice I used to have as a pastor but abandoned as a chaplain, I can't say why...). I know: taking On the Road on retreat seems a bit odd, but it is odd the way I am odd, and it made for good reflection at the time. One theme of the book is about running away to find oneself. I didn't need to run, but I needed at the time yet another run at finding myself... In a way, then, not too different from this time in my life, huh?
Plus, as the reviewer indicates, the book is also about a man's search for God, and if Kerouac concludes that "God is Pooh Bear," well, at least there is in that a "capacity of grace and forgiveness," as the reviewer rightly points out. And at the time, I found something spiritual in the model of wandering, of seeking, of discovering, of being largely dependent on the kindness of strangers... When Jesus sent out his disciples, his first instruction was, "take nothing with you...". And so it is, so often when we travel, especially in our motor homes, we buttress ourselves against the dependence of being "on the road"... Unless or until our defenses break down, of course.
But the blessing of madness comes in what is arguably the best known quote from the book-- or at least, the one most found on refrigerator magnets in upscale boutiques: "The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centered pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'," Kerouac writes.
One needn't look too hard at what Kerouac is driving at to see that such people have in common the madness of the mystics, the Desert Fathers, Hildegaard of Bingen, Theresa de Avila, even Ghandi, maybe Luther, even a little bit of Wesley, tamed though he was by English propriety. But you see my point: it takes a bit of madness to be thoroughly spiritual, enlivened by the Holy, and on Fire with the Sacred.
I've led, in contrast, an even more staid life than Wesley! But those moments, those brief times when I've given myself over to that holy madness: Awww! Yes, those decisions have some times come back to haunt me; and others who will never know God in that way, with that fervor and depth of feeling, have turned my momentary lapses of reason against me, and used guilt and shame and other weapons of conformity in the effort to make me regret.
But the truth is, at those moments, in the heat of them, in the Light of them, there have been for me Discoveries that make most of the other moments in time simply commonplace and every day. When our lives are well-aimed, and we follow only well-aimed paths, we never know God amid the aimless. When all we seek from God is a blessing of our self-control, then we never come to appreciate how losing control can be the best way of finding God. Only when we are dis-ordered can we feel God's presence in chaos, as well as in order.
There really is on a magnet on my refrigerator the following quote from Nietzsche: "One must still have choas in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star." By the grace of God, I hope I still have at least a little chaos in myself!
May you, too, be blessed with a touch of Divine Madness!
Well, you who know me well, know that it wouldn't take much!
What I have had recently is a couple of long drives in which to evaluate some of my decisions that may or may not have led to my recent "troubles," as they say. Truth is, I've found another perspective, in my working these things through, that has at its core an appreciation of myself-- even if that means appreciating my madness...
I am not, nor will I ever be, a "wild and crazy guy," a la the early Steve Martin. But I read a review of On the Road, Jack Kerouac's classic, now being re-presented to us on the occasion of the 50th anniversary of its publication. And the review reminded me of what that book meant to me when I first read it.
The reviewer asks rhetorically, "does anybody over 21 read it anymore?," and the fact is, I was well over 21 when I first caught up with it, flagged it down and took it with me like a hitchhiker to one of what used be nearly semi-annual retreats (a spiritual practice I used to have as a pastor but abandoned as a chaplain, I can't say why...). I know: taking On the Road on retreat seems a bit odd, but it is odd the way I am odd, and it made for good reflection at the time. One theme of the book is about running away to find oneself. I didn't need to run, but I needed at the time yet another run at finding myself... In a way, then, not too different from this time in my life, huh?
Plus, as the reviewer indicates, the book is also about a man's search for God, and if Kerouac concludes that "God is Pooh Bear," well, at least there is in that a "capacity of grace and forgiveness," as the reviewer rightly points out. And at the time, I found something spiritual in the model of wandering, of seeking, of discovering, of being largely dependent on the kindness of strangers... When Jesus sent out his disciples, his first instruction was, "take nothing with you...". And so it is, so often when we travel, especially in our motor homes, we buttress ourselves against the dependence of being "on the road"... Unless or until our defenses break down, of course.
But the blessing of madness comes in what is arguably the best known quote from the book-- or at least, the one most found on refrigerator magnets in upscale boutiques: "The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centered pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'," Kerouac writes.
One needn't look too hard at what Kerouac is driving at to see that such people have in common the madness of the mystics, the Desert Fathers, Hildegaard of Bingen, Theresa de Avila, even Ghandi, maybe Luther, even a little bit of Wesley, tamed though he was by English propriety. But you see my point: it takes a bit of madness to be thoroughly spiritual, enlivened by the Holy, and on Fire with the Sacred.
I've led, in contrast, an even more staid life than Wesley! But those moments, those brief times when I've given myself over to that holy madness: Awww! Yes, those decisions have some times come back to haunt me; and others who will never know God in that way, with that fervor and depth of feeling, have turned my momentary lapses of reason against me, and used guilt and shame and other weapons of conformity in the effort to make me regret.
But the truth is, at those moments, in the heat of them, in the Light of them, there have been for me Discoveries that make most of the other moments in time simply commonplace and every day. When our lives are well-aimed, and we follow only well-aimed paths, we never know God amid the aimless. When all we seek from God is a blessing of our self-control, then we never come to appreciate how losing control can be the best way of finding God. Only when we are dis-ordered can we feel God's presence in chaos, as well as in order.
There really is on a magnet on my refrigerator the following quote from Nietzsche: "One must still have choas in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star." By the grace of God, I hope I still have at least a little chaos in myself!
May you, too, be blessed with a touch of Divine Madness!
posted by TRXTR | 4:48 PM
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